June 16th, 2003

chef bites

Someone's gotta say it

from the imdb:
"American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson has backed a decision by 20th Century Fox not to screen FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, her upcoming movie with runner-up Justin Guarini, for film critics. In an interview with TV Guide, appearing in today's (Monday) online edition, Clarkson remarks, "I can tell you right now that none of the critics are gonna like this movie. They like stuff like IN THE BEDROOM. They're gonna want to tear into it because all people like to do is build something up to tear it down. This movie shouldn't be screened by the critics because it's not for them -- it's for the fans." Asked whether she found acting 'a challenge,' Clarkson replied, "Justin and I are used to learning while just doing it...It's not like it's THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. Twelve-year-olds aren't into that."

Kelly, you ignorant slut. You should know better than to be making dopey comments like that which, if you honestly believe that "all people (as opposed to critics, whom you were supposed to be addressing -- ever heard of consistency in a sentence, hon?) like to do is build something up to tear it down," are just going to give them the exact ammunition they want.
First off, there are plenty of quote whore, blurb puking, hack-o-matic film critics out there who would actually give you a good review -- Jeff Craig of 'Sixty Second Preview', maybe some studio shill masquerading as a fanboy at aintitcoolnews.com, hell that damned closet case Kevin Thomas could be coerced to give you a rave if he was able to score some trade after the screening. Of course, that would only come from Fox having the balls to let someone impartial see the movie in advance, which they obviously don't. They don't do that to shield your feelings from those meanie critics, sweetie. THEY DO THAT BECAUSE THE MOVIE STINKS, AND THE WORD OF MOUTH WILL KILL IT FASTER THAN IF RYAN SECREST WAS THE STAR. Why do you think they were trying to set the DVD date six weeks after the release? Why did they change their mind when all the theatres said they would never play the film if they did? Everybody can smell this is a quickie, cash-in piece of shit! Everybody, it seems, except you.
You go on to say that "This movie is for the fans," and then you shoot yourself in the Manolo Blahniks yet again by saying, "Twelve year olds aren't into [THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION]" What, you mean the people who like your shoddy album don't like quality movies with actors at the top of their game? In one fell swoop, you have managed to insult your fans by implying that they are all twelve years old, they only like crap, and that they can't recognize good acting. Ahem, how do you think TITANIC became such a high-grossing film, huh? Let me tell you, missy, I know 12 year olds who saw IN THE BEDROOM, and they bawled their eyes out...for the right reasons. When I was 12 years old, I was watching movies like RAGTIME, and THE GODFATHER, and HAROLD AND MAUDE, and I loved them because they were adult, and serious, and about real things. And they weren't contrived marketing scams to squeeze a couple extra grains of sand into your rapidly empty hourglass of fame.
Of course, what I have to say hardly matters anyhow, since you and your fucking show are already a national punchline, you will never be taken seriously by your peers in the music biz, and your own studio is dumping your movie against THE HULK and FINDING NEMO, the movies that your beloved 12 year olds are actually going to see because they are made by people who have logged actual blood and sweat in this town. Do you know why little stinky whores like Britney and Avril manage to sell so many records while yours is destined for the cut-out bin? Because the evil motherfuckers who created those bimbos were smart enough to keep them under wraps until they could properly disguise their lack of skills with production value and an image makeover -- only then were they presented to the public. They weren't on national TV for 10 weeks showing the world how much they sucked ass. But if you want to enjoy what's left of your time in the spotlight, here is a tip.

When you do publicity, especially for TV Guide, it's all about positivity and happy talk. Don't try to justify or spin things, just grin and repeat how lucky you are to still be in the national consciousness. The people who voted for you don't want to hear your petty bitching. Even if you do believe critics or people want to tear you down, don't return the favor in print. Be the bigger person. America is mourning Gregory Peck because he never publicly talked smack about anybody or anything. Be a fucking lady with manners, not some suburban mall princess who knows better than a bunch of crusty old white men, because those crusty white men still rule the world. And after your time is up, they will send you back to the oblivion you have so richly earned.
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